


Fuck, Marry, Kill

by Evilpixie



Category: DCU
Genre: Explicit Language, Multi, mild sexual references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:54:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23682733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evilpixie/pseuds/Evilpixie
Summary: Bruce, Clark, and Diana are scouting out a potentially dangerous situation. Hal decides the trio should be the subjects of an impromptu game of fuck, marry, kill played by the waiting members of the Justice League.That's it. That's the fic.
Comments: 96
Kudos: 347





	Fuck, Marry, Kill

**Author's Note:**

> Is it Batlantern? Eh... I don't know. Kinda. Maybe. Not really. But maybe.
> 
> Is it Superbat? No. Except yes. Except no.
> 
> In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realise that this fic doesn't really have a ship.
> 
> Does that mean there is no shipping in it? Hard no. There is a lot of shipping. There is just no single fully formed ship.
> 
> Translation into 한국어 available [here](https://silverflower45.postype.com/post/7101875).

“Fuck, marry, kill.”

“Hal. Seriously?”

“Oh come on. You really want to sit here in silence like good little soldiers waiting to be summoned to our untimely grave?”

“We’re not waiting to—” Barry began to protest.

“I’m game,” Zatanna said. “Who are we talking about?”

They were in the Watchtower monitoring room, waiting for Bruce to send the signal telling them to either stand down or leap into the fray. The fray, this time around, was an interdimensional rift to an unknown realm in the middle of Metropolis. It had been created by something called Mr Mxyzptlk, a fourth dimensional Superman fanboy. Or maybe a god. It was hard to tell.

According to Clark the rift was probably harmless, but also might overrun the world with monsters worse than anyone could imagine. In other words, an average Tuesday in the Justice League. At least, Hal thought so. Barry looked a bit twitchy. That could have been his powers, the guy found it hard to sit still at the best of times, or maybe, just maybe, he was nervous.

Maybe he wasn’t the only one. The room seemed abnormally quiet considering the cast of characters crowded in.

Apart from him, Barry, and Zatanna there was also Oliver, Dinah, Captain Marvel, Martian Manhunter, and Cyborg. All standing a little too close, watching the monitors, awkward and silent.

Good thing Hal - the self-appointed Justice League morale officer - was here to save the day.

“Who do you think I’m talking about?” Hal continued and gestured at the monitor screen which showed Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman approaching the rift. “Come on. Fuck, marry, and kill. Be honest. They can’t hear us.”

“You know who they are right?” Barry asked. “They probably _can_ hear us.”

“Okay. Well. They’re busy. They’re not listening.”

“I do not understand,” Martian Manhunter said voice deep, low, and hypnotic. “What are you talking about?”

“It’s a hypothetical question,” Hal explained.

“It’s a game for fourteen year old girls,” Cyborg said, crossing his metal arms.

Wow. That was bratty. Not to mention kinda low key sexist. Hal pointedly ignored the teenager and turned his body to directly face the Martian. “You have three categories. Who would you fuck? Who would you marry? And who would you kill? The candidates in this case are the three people on that screen. Clark, Diana, and Bruce. You have to choose one for each category.”

The Martian was frowning. “I don’t wish to do any of those things to my friends.”

“Yeah. I know. But that’s the game. It’s fun.”

“Contemplating things I would not like to do is… fun?”

“Yeah!”

Everyone was looking at him. Barry was all uncertain frowns, Cyborg was all attitude, and Captain Marvel looked almost as confused as the Martian. Oliver, Dinah, and Zatanna were the only ones who managed enough common courtesy to look even a little bit interested.

“Come on guys, it’ll be fun. A way to take our minds off the world maybe ending.”

“I’m not playing,” Cyborg said.

Hal rolled his eyes. “I figured that. That doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t. And, if I’m not mistaken, we already have our first contender. Zatanna? What say you?”

“I’d fuck Diana,” she responded, not a moment of hesitation.

Hal felt his eyebrows shoot up. “And what an opening! I thought you’d have picked Bruce.”

She shrugged. “Been there, done that.”

“Oh ho _ho!_ This is getting better and better. I’ll definitely be DMing you later tonight about that. I want all the gory details. Is he as kinky as he pretends or is he secretly a sweetheart?”

“Hal,” Barry was giving him a reproachful look but he didn’t care because, apart from Cyborg who was still pouting a little bit, everyone was paying attention.

"Oh come on. You've never wondered what Bruce is like in the bedroom? Even a little bit?"

"Hal," Barry was more serious this time. "That's too much."

“Yeah. You’re right. We better save that for the DMs.” He turned back to Zatanna. “So, who would you marry?”

She pursed her lips and considered the two men on the screen for a long time. Finally… “Clark.”

“Safe choice,” Hal accused her.

“Well I’m not going to kill Superman, am I? Besides, I bet he’d be a great husband. Freshly squeezed orange juice every morning. Homemade apple pie every night.”

“That is tempting,” Hal said, nodding. “But it’s come at a price. You’ve killed Batman.”

She grinned a grin that could be described as nothing other than cheeky and in a voice eerily similar to Bruce’s parroted one of his favourite phrases. “Regrettable, but necessary.”

Hal laughed. She was lying. He knew she was lying. She knew he knew he was lying. If there was a golden lasso around her the answers would be different. But that was okay. Hal had long believed people were entitled to their lies.

“Anyone else?” He opened up the floor. “Fuck, marry, and kill. The Justice League’s big three.”

Dinah stepped forward. “I’ll play.”

“Yes! We have a taker! Why are women so much braver than men? Okay. Let me guess. You’d fuck Bruce?”

She shook her head. “Been there done that.”

Hal couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh _man_. This is getting better and better. I’m so happy.”

Barry’s disapproval radiated out from him in waves. Hal didn’t care.

“What about Diana? Would you fuck Diana?”

“I’d kill Diana.”

That honestly surprised Hal. “Seriously? She’s Wonder Woman. Isn’t wanting to kill her a feminist faux pas or something?”

“I don’t want to kill her,” Dinah said. “I am just, unfortunately, straight.”

“That is unfortunate,” Zatanna said gravely.

Hal snorted. “Okay. I see why that would have excluded her from ‘fuck’. But you could have still married her.”

“No,” Dinah shook her head. “I’m going to marry Bruce.”

Oliver looked mildly alarmed by the statement.

Hal tilted his head to the side. “Interesting. Why?”

Dinah sent him a flat look. “Dude. He’s a billionaire.”

Oliver’s look of alarm was no longer mild.

“ _Very_ interesting. That means you’d fuck Clark. AKA the guy who could break every bone in your body with one slightly too enthusiastic thrust. You’re braver than I.”

She smirked. “One does what one must.”

“Hey, babe,” Oliver said quietly. “You wouldn’t really marry for money would you?”

“I don’t know, honey. We’ve been hitched for four years. Have I run away with your fortune yet?”

He smiled, small, sheepish. “I guess not.”

“Well. That’s touching. See, silly games like this bring us together. It’s a team building exercise! Bats would be proud. Do we have any other players? What about you, Captain? I see you looking at your boots. Come on. It’ll be fun.”

Hal didn’t know Captain Marvel yet. He’d joined the League while he was off world and despite fighting side by side with him a couple of times the guy never seemed to stick around for post saving the world drinks. It was enough to make Hal curious.

“Come on. It’s an easy question. Fuck, marry, and kill. Bruce, Diana, Clark. We won’t judge you… much.”

“I… um…”

“Yeah?” Hal prompted.

“I think… um… I think I’d marry…”

He was starting with the marriage. Odd. Most people, in Hal’s embarrassingly extensive experience, started with either fuck or kill.

“Yeah?” Hal prompted when the pause had dragged on too long to be comfortable.

“Superman?” Captain Marvel said, voice rising, as if it were a question.

“You’d make a cute couple,” Hal told him. “I can totally see you guys punching through walls and posing in front of flags together. So romantic. That’s one down. What about the other two? Who’d you fuck and who’d you kill?”

The Captain’s cheeks were decidedly pinker than they were before. He shuffled from foot to foot and tugged on his cape like a school boy called out in class. “I… eh… I don’t think I…”

“You don’t have to play his stupid game,” Barry said.

“That’s right,” Dinah piped up, the traitor. “It’s just for fun.”

“It’s confusing and somewhat distressing,” the Martain mumbled.

“It’s lame,” Cyborg felt the need to add.

“I guess I have to kill Batman,” the Captain continued despite them. Good man. But… wait a sec. Why was he using their superhero names? He knew their identities.

“So you can fuck Diana,” Hal concluded.

“Oh… no… because… I don’t want to kill Wonder Woman.”

Okay. So the guy was a) asexual, b) a fan of the brighter coloured superheroes c) a little in love with Superman, not Clark, Superman or d) all of the above. Hal’s guess was d.

“Aw. Guys.” Hal slumped down into one of the monitor seats. “Isn’t this great? I feel like I’m learning so much about you all.”

“I have a theory,” Barry said. “You,” he pointed at Hal. “Were not invited to a sleepover party in high school and have spent every day since trying to fill that void.”

Hal touched a hand to his chest. “Oh. Ouch. What a read. You got me. I’m trying to patch the hole in my heart Stacy’s snub left me with. Oh woe is me.” He glanced at the screens. Clark, Diana, and Bruce were gathered at the rift. Bruce was scanning it with one of his doohickies. Diana was standing back, hand on sword, ready for action. And Clark… he was just floating there, in the middle of the scene, clearly bored.

It didn’t look like they would be called in any time soon.

“After that hot take do we have any other players?! Come on guys. Don’t be scared.”

“I’d fuck Diana, marry Bruce, and kill Clark,” Oliver said all at once.

Hal threw back his head and laughed. “I knew you had it in you, Arrow! Let’s unpack shall we? Fucking Diana is obvious. I get it. There are a million teenage boys with her star spangled butt stashed in their sock draws.”

“Gross, man,” Cyborg said.

“Ew,” Zatanna agreed.

“Huh?” Captain Marvel added. Okay. Asexual was one thing. Ignorant was another thing all together. How the hell did someone get to be his age and not understand what they were talking about? It was a mystery that would have to wait for another day though because there was something more interesting afoot.

Hal kept his eyes pinned on his target. Oliver Queen. Blonde idiot with a bow and arrow. In Hal’s opinion, one of the best people in the League. “I get Diana, is what I meant to say, but the other two? You got to tell my why you’d rid the world of the big blue boy scout so you can marry Bruce.”

He shrugged. “Diana made a convincing argument. He’s a billionaire.”

“No way. I don’t buy it. You hate rich people. _And_ , you’re as rich as him.”

Dinah snorted.

Oliver just laughed. “I’m not as rich as him. Not by a quarter. And as far as rich people go… he’s not the worst. Besides, I can’t kill someone I went to school with.”

Hal sat up straighter. “You went to school with Bats?”

“Yeah. Two years. We were sorta friends. I mean, Bruce didn’t really have friends but…”

Hal saw something in Oliver’s face then. Small but undeniable. An old pain.

On a hunch. “Why wouldn’t you fuck him to save him?”

Oliver’s grin was wry. “Been there done that.”

Hal didn’t joke around or laugh this time despite the jolt of pure joy that shot through him knowing he was right all this time, that the Bat was, at least a little bit, queer. Whether that queerness extended beyond schoolyard flings he didn’t know and it almost didn’t matter. He was just glad his gaydar hadn’t been broken after all.

He lounged back in his chair and interlocked his fingers behind his head. “You know what, guys? I think this is one of the best games of fuck, marry, kill I’ve ever played and there are a few steep contenders in there.”

“No it isn’t,” Barry said.

“Hey, how would you know?”

“How can it be one of the best games of fuck marry kill you’ve ever played when you haven’t played yet?”

The meaning of those words settled on him slowly, along with every set of eyes in the room. Honestly, he should have seen this coming.

Hal shrugged. “Easy. I’d fuck Diana, marry Clark, and kill Bruce.”

“Oh… well…” Barry didn’t seem to know what to do next. Some game MC he was. “I suppose that makes sense… especially the kill Bruce part.”

“Yeah,” Hal nodded. “You know me. I love the hotties in my bed, the gentlemen in my wedding vows, and the bastards in the ground.”

“Kill Clark, marry Diana, fuck Bruce,” the Martian said.

Hal almost leapt out of his chair. Of all the things to come out of this game an actual answer from the Martian wasn’t one of them. Let alone such an interesting answer. “Oh yeah! That’s what I’m talking about! I’m so glad you finally decided to join the game!”

“I’m not joining the game,” the Martian said. “I just wanted to ask you. Why did you lie about all your choices?”

Hal froze. “What?”

“The others have lied, but not very much. Mostly, the reasons they gave were lies, but their answers not. But you lied completely. You said you’d marry Clark, fuck Diana, and kill Bruce. The true answer, the one I saw in your mind, is that you’d kill Clark, marry Diana, and fuck Bruce.”

Hal stared at the alien, his heart suddenly in his throat. _Oh… oh shit._

“Huh,” Cyborg smirked. “Maybe this game isn’t so bad after all.”

“I don’t get it,” Marvel said. “Why would you lie? Why would you kill Superman?”

“Hey,” Barry stepped between Hal and the others. “Maybe it’s time we end this game. Okay? It was fun. We had some laughs. But…”

Hal started to laugh. The sound came out of him before he even realised he was the one making it. “Holy shit,” he shook his head. “Holy actual shit. That’s it. That’s it right there. That’s why I love hanging out with you weirdos. It’s so easy to forget that you all have superpowers. Wow. Ouch. I haven’t been outed like that since my mum caught me in her summer frock.”

“It wasn’t a summer frock,” the Martian said. “It was a bra.”

“Whoa! Okay! Timeout on the mindreading,” Barry cried.

But Hal was still laughing. He wasn’t sure why. He should probably be pissed. But he wasn’t. He was delighted. Maybe he was having a mental break down. Yeah, that seemed on brand. Or maybe having the walls he hadn’t even realised he’d built around him torn down was exactly what he’d subconsciously wanted when he started this game.

“But why kill Superman?” Captain Marvel asked again. “He’s so nice.”

“Yeah. That’s why I want to kill him,” Hal admitted. “Because he’s so freaking perfect. Sexy, funny, super powered. Not to mention I’m now, after Oliver’s little titbit earlier, fifty nine percent sure he’s boning the Bat on the side. Is it any wonder I’m jealous?”

“No way,” Cyborg shook his head. “Batman and Superman aren’t…” He paused as he realised he was the only one protesting. “Oh… oh shit. Really? You think?”

“Like I said. Fifty nine percent sure. Actually, make it sixty nine. That's got a better ring to it.”

“What about Diana?” Zatanna asked. “I think you’re the only one who chose to marry her.”

“I want someone tall to be big spoon with me while I nap,” Hal said with a shrug.

“Superman could do that,” Captain Marvel protested. Wow. That guy really did have a bit of a fan crush on Superman.

Hal shook his head. “Diana’s the tallest one in the League by at least a foot. On top of that, while I’m not normally a fan of big boobs, I think they would be great to cuddle with.”

“That just leaves fucking,” Oliver said.

“Seriously? We’re doing this?” Hal threw up his arms. “Fine. Okay. I admit it. I want to fuck Batman.”

“Not much of a surprise,” Dinah pointed out.

“Yeah. Haha. Whatever. Make fun of me if you want. I don’t care. Maybe it’s the skin tight body armour. Maybe it’s that pouty face he makes when he’s pissed off. Or maybe it’s just that everyone else in the goddamned room has already ‘been there done that’ and I feel like a kid at Christmas who didn’t get—”

“Are you done?” A low voice. A _gravelly_ voice. A voice coming from the speakers.

Hal flinched. On the monitor the rift was closed. Clark and Diana were talking. Bruce was standing to the side, one hand on his ear, calling them to let them know they could stand down.

“How much did you hear?” Hal asked.

“Enough,” was Bruce’s answer.

Well fuck.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea how or why or when I wrote this. I hope you like it.
> 
> I would apologise for the un-betaed awfulness but... honestly... I feel like if you've ever read anything by me before you should know that's just part of the deal.


End file.
